On Monday, January 18th, 40 days out from White Tantric Yoga, I began an alternate nostril breathing practice for 11 minutes each day. My intention with this practice was to clear my energy channels (nadhis) in preparation to give and receive all of the awaiting gifts from my White Tantric experience at the end of this month (THIS SATURDAY!). Moreover, January was very much about digesting: digesting difficult experiences from 2015, digesting expectations for the year to come, and doing the daily work of digesting all the different energies that I encounter each day.
Let me start by saying I have yet to successfully complete a 40 day challenge: I have, in all of my good intentions, taken on many pursuits, from daily exercise to giving something up for Lent. I have begun 40 day challenges, missed a day, and come right back to the intended practice and completed the full 40 days, but I have yet to successfully meet the intended practice every single day.
From so many failed attempts at 40 day challenges, I was able to come up with a few things that knowingly thwart my success in completing these challenges and they are as follows:
1. leaving my practice for the end of the day
2. drinking alcohol (coupled with the above, I don't even stand a chance but to just fall into bed, exhausted and in a sleepy, alcohol-induced slumber)
3. the fluctuations of my mind and desires: giving in to how I feel and allowing my feelings and desires to upset my daily discipline.
With these little nuggets of learned knowledge (also called experience), how could I fail?!
During January, I set myself up to breath right before bed as part of my night time ritual: lights out, teeth brushed, sitting on pillows in bed (I was NOT allowed to lay down and breathe), I would set my timer and begin my practice just before sleep. My mind awash in all the craziness of the day, resistance manifested as anxiety and impatience, wiggles, fidgets and itches, checking the clock at 3 mins, 6 mins, 9 mins... At the completion of the 11 minutes, sometimes I would sit and meditate; resting in the space created by the movement of breath.
Immediately I noticed an easier access to sleep, I spent less time tossing and turning as my thoughts had already been sorted and released, my body calm and relaxed, ready to rest and rejuvenate. As my practice continued day after day, my resistance became less and less and it was easier to move into acceptance of 11 minutes of breathing. My tendency to check the clock moved from the 3 minute mark to the 9 minute mark and sometimes I would surpass the 11 minutes entirely. My engagement in my breathing practice shifted and it wasn't discipline that took the helm, but desire: desire to give myself this space, desire to clear my clear my thoughts and emotions, desire to even deepen this practice and bring in an additional 11 minutes at another time in the day. I didn't amend my goal and hold a practice twice a day throughout the 40 days, but on the days where I did add a second practice it was an added bonus: a second gift to myself from myself.
Alternate nostril breathing became my main jam. I taught it in every public yoga class I instructed and my private students became practitioners too. I was able to guide people through the first 5 minutes of truly entering into a pranayama practice and meeting whatever resistance came up head-on, acknowledging that resistance and moving to the center of it, then through it. I was feeling very confident in showing up for myself and the little tid-bits of knowledge I was learning through this practice until I missed a day. Yes, day 33... a divine number no less, the exalted trinity, when I fell asleep after a long day of my best friend's wedding bliss (a compilation of 1 and 2 of my above mentioned list...).
I woke up the next morning and came right back to the mat and right back to the practice. I read on a facebook meme that the path isn't a straight line; it's a spiral. You continually come back to things you thought you understood and see deeper truths (if someone out there has the origins of this concept, I'd love to know it). The aforementioned list of 3 keep coming back to bite me and I had made a mental note that I should really do my breathing early on the day of the wedding less the excitement of the day be what thwarts my goals. And on day 34, I didn't beat myself up, I instantly accepted my perfect imperfections and moved on.
Maybe I set myself up for incompleteness by allowing myself an evening practice when I knew from experience that an evening practice is challenging. When it comes down to it, a positive, healthy every day practice is challenging no matter the time of day. I do not believe I have failed. As I realign to my alternate nostril breathing practice after missing a day, I know I have succeeded because I now sit in meditation long after I have completed the breathing. It's not a problem to sit in stillness and quiet for up to 15 minutes. This is the fruits of my practice, being in the space I have created with the movement of breath.
Thanks for reading!
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